Moving On...

Before I even started my period after this third medicated try, I began to think about the next step. I was going back and forth in my head for a while: IVF or Adoption? It wasn't until two nights ago, my partner and I sat down and had a pretty open and honest discussion. Although I thought I was leaning towards IVF, as we began to talk through things, I found myself saying and feeling things that I had not been aware that I felt. We made a decision, we will pursue adoption. Then something very strange and unexpected happened. Within an hour or so, I began to feel almost giddy. I felt like an enormous weight had been lifted. It was then I realized the toll that this process has taken on me, mentally and physically. It is very hard to describe the extreme happiness and comfort I have found in making this decision. I smiled all the way  home from the post office after mailing our initial adoption application. I can hardly wait to welcome a little baby into our lives in a year or so! However, if I am being honest I am also very excited to drink as much coffee as I want, have a glass of wine when I want, go back on birth control (periods are unbearable without it), feel good enough to exercise everyday, and have a clear head again without all the drugs messing with me! Anyway, I am ending this blog, because it served as a way for me to communicate my stresses to my friends and family without having to do that face-to-face. It was also therapeutic for me. Thanks for "listening."

7dpiui (Med Try #3)

Well, I am finally starting to feel better. I had a very rough day yesterday. I still don't know if it was the flu or a bad reaction to the trigger leaving my body. All I know is today I took a pregnancy test and the trigger is finally out of my body. Definitely feeling some bloating today (although I have been making myself drink lots of water after not eating/drinking much the last two days) and very sore and enlarged boobs. I don't usually get sore/enlarged boobs so I am hoping this is a good sign. I actually have forced myself to think very positively today and looked at some baby things on pinterest and glanced a few times at the baby picture of our anonymous sperm donor. I keep it on my desktop to look at when I am feeling negative.

I think we have also decided that we will probably take a break if this try doesn't work out, and then go back in Nov or Dec for IVF. That will give us time to save up some more money and for me to go back to being myself. I am in shape and have always exercised regularly. These drugs have really made me feel blah and not at all motivated to work out. Most of the time I am either crampy and miserable on my period, or crampy and bloated on the clomid and trigger. There just aren't many days when I feel like working out. I really hope I can get back to that, whether it is while taking a break or while enjoying my pregnancy.

I probably will test over the weekend some time so I will update then.

4 dpiui (Medicated Try #3)

The past few days have been great, as I have been out of town and busy with family. Today is the first day I have been able to sit down and think. Yesterday and today I have not felt well at all. I can't tell if its the flu or the trigger shot that still hasn't left my system. It has been almost a week since I triggered and last cycle it took about 8 days to get a negative pregnancy test (pregnancy tests will come up positive when the trigger is in your system). I'd say I am still optimistic at this point, but can't help but feel some dread for the day I take a pregnancy test (10/10). Its such a weird feeling to want to fast forward to that day to find out, but to also be sick knowing theres a good shot you will see another negative...

I have read in the past that when you are pregnant "you just know it and can feel it." This haunts me a bit because I don't know what that means and I get upset when I don't "just feel it." A good friend recently just got pregnant after trying for a long time with Clomid. She also said she knew before she even took the test it was going to be positive because she felt different. So, now I start thinking about how I feel every day and whether I feel different. It is only 4 days after the IUI, but I am starting to over-think everything. I become torn between interpreting all of the little things like breast soreness and nausea, and my scientific understanding that the trigger shot mimics pregnancy symptoms. I also am starting to lean heavily towards this being my last try with IUI and then possibly taking a break until December and doing IVF. I realized lately the emotional and physical toll this has taken on me and how it is getting in the way of my productivity at work. Its hard to admit that I am struggling with all of this and cant overcome the emotions. On that note I am off to do productive work things:)

Medicated IUI#3

Well, this morning I was inseminated for the third time with my repro specialist. It was by far the least uncomfortable insemination thus far. I am not sure if that is a good sign or if I am officially numb "down there" after all the poking and prodding....  I decided to go to my acupuncturist immediately after the insemination. She told me it was very important to be in the highest spirits possible and to approach today and beyond as if I am a mother-to-be. Although I am not sold on acupuncture, I am pretty sold on the power of positive thinking. I have been an optimist my entire life and I would say that my life turned out pretty well. Here's to hoping optimism and acupuncture will make try #3 a success! Two week wait begins now...

Consistency

Yesterday was CD12 and I had my ultrasound done to see if I had any mature follicles. I had one measuring 23 in my left ovary, and a TON in my right ovary that were measuring around 10ish. This is my third time going through this process (with the ultrasound and clomid) and all three times have been almost exactly the same. I always go in on CD12 and have one big follicle measuring around 22-23 in my left ovary and a ton of tiny ones in my right ovary. My doctor always reminds me what a great egg donor I would be. My doctor is always very happy that I have only one big follicle. He has alot of concerns about even the chance of twins and he is very passionate about avoiding multiples. I can't help but think he has a personal issue, possibly a bad experience in his past, that makes him feel this passionate about it.  Anyway, I triggered last night at 9:30pm. I am not ready to give myself the shot and neither is JJ. Luckily I have a brother in the medical field who is kind enough to give me the shot. I went to his house lastnight and he gave me the shot in my usual "muffin top" area. I almost immediately started feeling very sick to my stomach. I couldn't be sure if it was the shot or the amount of candy corn/peanut mix I ate on my drive over. However, I woke up this morning still feeling sick so I will go ahead and put the blame on the shot. I am scheduled for the insemination tomorrow at 9am (almost exactly 36 hours after the trigger). I am going to my first ever acupuncture session this afternoon and then again tomorrow at 10am, right after my insemination. Please don't judge me. I am embarrassed that I am stooping to something not backed by any solid research, but I feel like I have nothing to lose but $200, and lord knows that is nothing in the scheme of this process. So, I am off to be productive, work-wise. This is about the time of the cycle that I get the most done because I feel like I am moving forward and have nothing to worry about yet.

Distractions

This weekend was just what I needed, busy and full of fun distractions. It's hard not to find yourself every month "waiting" for various things to happen; waiting to for that first ultrasound, waiting for the time i can do the trigger, waiting to ovulate/inseminate, and waiting to be able to test (or what has more accurately been waiting for AF). So, anytime I can stay busy I am very happy about it. Family was in town all weekend and it was great. Now that everyone has cleared out of town, I am now waiting on my ultrasound tomorrow and hoping I have a couple mature follicles so I can trigger sooner than later. I also decided to look into acupuncture. I am not into things that aren't strongly backed by research/data, and acupuncture is not conclusively backed by research for fertility. However, I am going to ignore my scientific tendencies and get acupuncture around the time I inseminate and I may also even eat some pineapple core (which is even more bogus than acupuncture). But, I am willing to try anything at this point....  I am admittedly in the hopeful/optimistic part of the roller coaster ride, but I find myself lately reminding myself that this WILL happen eventually. I am 32, healthy, no clear fertility issues, and we make a comfortable living. It may take more time and money than we would like, but it will happen eventually. I just wish I could be sure to be this rational at all times....

Sitting and Stewing

Most days I appreciate the freedom that I have in my career, but this week has not been filled with those appreciative days. I think being in a career like my partner's would force my brain to be so busy thinking about other things that I wouldn't have much time to sit around and over-think everything. These last few days have been an emotional struggle for me. My constant emotional ups and downs have made it difficult to focus on the work that I have in front of me. I began the week looking up positive stories where women had HSG tests and ended up pregnant soon after. There is a rumor out there that these HSGs can "clean out your tubes" and make conception much easier. My doctor even said that I have "doubled (my) chances of conception" immediately after completing the HSG. But today I found more stories about how that isn't always true. I also found stories about women who had used Clomid successfully for a few months and then randomly did not ovulate on Clomid one cycle. I am scared that this will happen to me. On Monday I will go in on cd12 for my ultrasound. I have had mature follicles on cd12 and triggered then the last two cycles, so I expect the same thing to happen next week. I feel like each month is filled with one week of hope (CD3-12), 2 weeks of excitement and fear (2 week wait), then 2-3 days of sadness and despair (CD1-3). I think mentally I need to be sure I have that 2 weeks of excitement and fear to balance out the other days. If I don't have that this month I am afraid I will go crazy. After each disappointment I have felt a strong urge to move towards IVF.