4 dpiui (Medicated Try #3)

The past few days have been great, as I have been out of town and busy with family. Today is the first day I have been able to sit down and think. Yesterday and today I have not felt well at all. I can't tell if its the flu or the trigger shot that still hasn't left my system. It has been almost a week since I triggered and last cycle it took about 8 days to get a negative pregnancy test (pregnancy tests will come up positive when the trigger is in your system). I'd say I am still optimistic at this point, but can't help but feel some dread for the day I take a pregnancy test (10/10). Its such a weird feeling to want to fast forward to that day to find out, but to also be sick knowing theres a good shot you will see another negative...

I have read in the past that when you are pregnant "you just know it and can feel it." This haunts me a bit because I don't know what that means and I get upset when I don't "just feel it." A good friend recently just got pregnant after trying for a long time with Clomid. She also said she knew before she even took the test it was going to be positive because she felt different. So, now I start thinking about how I feel every day and whether I feel different. It is only 4 days after the IUI, but I am starting to over-think everything. I become torn between interpreting all of the little things like breast soreness and nausea, and my scientific understanding that the trigger shot mimics pregnancy symptoms. I also am starting to lean heavily towards this being my last try with IUI and then possibly taking a break until December and doing IVF. I realized lately the emotional and physical toll this has taken on me and how it is getting in the way of my productivity at work. Its hard to admit that I am struggling with all of this and cant overcome the emotions. On that note I am off to do productive work things:)

Medicated IUI#3

Well, this morning I was inseminated for the third time with my repro specialist. It was by far the least uncomfortable insemination thus far. I am not sure if that is a good sign or if I am officially numb "down there" after all the poking and prodding....  I decided to go to my acupuncturist immediately after the insemination. She told me it was very important to be in the highest spirits possible and to approach today and beyond as if I am a mother-to-be. Although I am not sold on acupuncture, I am pretty sold on the power of positive thinking. I have been an optimist my entire life and I would say that my life turned out pretty well. Here's to hoping optimism and acupuncture will make try #3 a success! Two week wait begins now...

Consistency

Yesterday was CD12 and I had my ultrasound done to see if I had any mature follicles. I had one measuring 23 in my left ovary, and a TON in my right ovary that were measuring around 10ish. This is my third time going through this process (with the ultrasound and clomid) and all three times have been almost exactly the same. I always go in on CD12 and have one big follicle measuring around 22-23 in my left ovary and a ton of tiny ones in my right ovary. My doctor always reminds me what a great egg donor I would be. My doctor is always very happy that I have only one big follicle. He has alot of concerns about even the chance of twins and he is very passionate about avoiding multiples. I can't help but think he has a personal issue, possibly a bad experience in his past, that makes him feel this passionate about it.  Anyway, I triggered last night at 9:30pm. I am not ready to give myself the shot and neither is JJ. Luckily I have a brother in the medical field who is kind enough to give me the shot. I went to his house lastnight and he gave me the shot in my usual "muffin top" area. I almost immediately started feeling very sick to my stomach. I couldn't be sure if it was the shot or the amount of candy corn/peanut mix I ate on my drive over. However, I woke up this morning still feeling sick so I will go ahead and put the blame on the shot. I am scheduled for the insemination tomorrow at 9am (almost exactly 36 hours after the trigger). I am going to my first ever acupuncture session this afternoon and then again tomorrow at 10am, right after my insemination. Please don't judge me. I am embarrassed that I am stooping to something not backed by any solid research, but I feel like I have nothing to lose but $200, and lord knows that is nothing in the scheme of this process. So, I am off to be productive, work-wise. This is about the time of the cycle that I get the most done because I feel like I am moving forward and have nothing to worry about yet.

Distractions

This weekend was just what I needed, busy and full of fun distractions. It's hard not to find yourself every month "waiting" for various things to happen; waiting to for that first ultrasound, waiting for the time i can do the trigger, waiting to ovulate/inseminate, and waiting to be able to test (or what has more accurately been waiting for AF). So, anytime I can stay busy I am very happy about it. Family was in town all weekend and it was great. Now that everyone has cleared out of town, I am now waiting on my ultrasound tomorrow and hoping I have a couple mature follicles so I can trigger sooner than later. I also decided to look into acupuncture. I am not into things that aren't strongly backed by research/data, and acupuncture is not conclusively backed by research for fertility. However, I am going to ignore my scientific tendencies and get acupuncture around the time I inseminate and I may also even eat some pineapple core (which is even more bogus than acupuncture). But, I am willing to try anything at this point....  I am admittedly in the hopeful/optimistic part of the roller coaster ride, but I find myself lately reminding myself that this WILL happen eventually. I am 32, healthy, no clear fertility issues, and we make a comfortable living. It may take more time and money than we would like, but it will happen eventually. I just wish I could be sure to be this rational at all times....

Sitting and Stewing

Most days I appreciate the freedom that I have in my career, but this week has not been filled with those appreciative days. I think being in a career like my partner's would force my brain to be so busy thinking about other things that I wouldn't have much time to sit around and over-think everything. These last few days have been an emotional struggle for me. My constant emotional ups and downs have made it difficult to focus on the work that I have in front of me. I began the week looking up positive stories where women had HSG tests and ended up pregnant soon after. There is a rumor out there that these HSGs can "clean out your tubes" and make conception much easier. My doctor even said that I have "doubled (my) chances of conception" immediately after completing the HSG. But today I found more stories about how that isn't always true. I also found stories about women who had used Clomid successfully for a few months and then randomly did not ovulate on Clomid one cycle. I am scared that this will happen to me. On Monday I will go in on cd12 for my ultrasound. I have had mature follicles on cd12 and triggered then the last two cycles, so I expect the same thing to happen next week. I feel like each month is filled with one week of hope (CD3-12), 2 weeks of excitement and fear (2 week wait), then 2-3 days of sadness and despair (CD1-3). I think mentally I need to be sure I have that 2 weeks of excitement and fear to balance out the other days. If I don't have that this month I am afraid I will go crazy. After each disappointment I have felt a strong urge to move towards IVF.

About Us

JJ and I have been together for close to 12 years. I am 32 and she is 40. I admit I am the one who brought up starting a family and I did have to do some convincing. She has concerns about the things our child would deal with in life with two moms. I understand that, but feel that our children would have SO MUCH love from us and from our families and that would help keep them healthy and happy.     For most of my life, I have not had any desire to have children and would certainly not have ever wanted to be pregnant or give birth. However, given that I am much younger than JJ, it makes more sense for me to be the one to try. Additionally, she is not "out" at her job and being pregnant would certainly not allow that to be possible. I can't pinpoint exactly where my desire to start a family first originated. I think I can attribute alot of it to seeing my family and friends with their children and being envious of that deep love that they have with their children. I realize that is something that I am missing. We do have FOUR, yes four, beautiful sweet cats. Before you turn up your nose, I promise our house is spotless and free of that cat pee scent:) We are in love with "our  boys" and they make us smile each day. I love them so much, and it scares me a little to know that the love you have for your children is even stronger than the love you have for your pets (so I have been told). That kind of love scares me! But I can't wait to feel it.

Anyone who knows me would never describe me as "emotional." Even as we began this journey, I just knew I would not be like the people I was reading about in blogs and would not get caught up in the "rollercoaster." Nine months into this journey, I realize that I am not quite as stoic as I would have liked to believe. In the last two tries, I find myself feeling hopeless, angry, then hopeful and optimistic, only to return to hopelessness and panic. Sometimes my emotions flip flop from minute to minute, and sometimes from day to day. My current emotional ups and downs are closely tied to my thoughts about how to know when to go from IUI to IVF. I don't count my first five IUIs, because I was not ovulating. I like to think that I started with a clean emotional slate in July when I started with the specialist. He recommends 3-4 IUIs (IUI #3 should be next week) before moving on to IVF. One day I feel like continuing with IUI is the best option and that it will certainly work in the next month or two. The next day I feel like IVF makes the most sense because the success rates are higher and the science is more exact. The thought of seeing one more negative pregnancy test makes my stomach hurt...

I am also not the typical blogging type, if there is such a thing. I prefer to keep everything I feel and think bottled up inside my head. But, I have never gone through something so emotionally charged that lasted such a long period of time. I feel like I can't express much of my sadness, anger, and disappointment over each failed attempt with those that love me. I don't want them to know how upset I am because I know it will make them sad. At this point, the only people that know we are trying are my mom, my step-mom, and a friend of mine (that recently got her BFP after struggling with her husband to conceive for a long time). Some of our friends/family know we are planning to try, but we have not been honest about the fact that we are trying (and failing) as not to disappoint anyone. What probably hurts me most each time AF arrives, is knowing that it will disappoint my mom and stepmom. They want a grandchild so badly and they have so much love to give....  My brothers are younger and not going to be starting a family any time soon, so that means I am their hope. Although I do feel like I can share all of this with JJ, I am not always forthcoming with my pessimism and desperation because I know it would upset her to know that I am upset. So, I continue to pretend to be very optimistic, which makes this journey a little more stressful than it needs to me.  I am thankful for this blog and hope it will serve as my emotional outlet. 

Let Me Catch You Up

January 2012- IUI @ OBGYN  bfn #1

February 2012- IUI @ OBGYN  bfn #2

March 2012-IUI @ OBGYN  bfn #3

April 2012- IUI @ OBGYN  bfn #4

May 2012- IUI @ OBGYN  bfn #5

June 2012- Started seeing Repro Specialist: Femara and U/S revealed no mature follicles, no IUI

July 2012- Clomid 100mg, IUI bfn #6

August 2012- Clomid 100mg, IUI bfn #7

September 2012- Clomid 100mg, IUI (Estradial & FSH draws, and HSG, all good) bf_?