About Us

JJ and I have been together for close to 12 years. I am 32 and she is 40. I admit I am the one who brought up starting a family and I did have to do some convincing. She has concerns about the things our child would deal with in life with two moms. I understand that, but feel that our children would have SO MUCH love from us and from our families and that would help keep them healthy and happy.     For most of my life, I have not had any desire to have children and would certainly not have ever wanted to be pregnant or give birth. However, given that I am much younger than JJ, it makes more sense for me to be the one to try. Additionally, she is not "out" at her job and being pregnant would certainly not allow that to be possible. I can't pinpoint exactly where my desire to start a family first originated. I think I can attribute alot of it to seeing my family and friends with their children and being envious of that deep love that they have with their children. I realize that is something that I am missing. We do have FOUR, yes four, beautiful sweet cats. Before you turn up your nose, I promise our house is spotless and free of that cat pee scent:) We are in love with "our  boys" and they make us smile each day. I love them so much, and it scares me a little to know that the love you have for your children is even stronger than the love you have for your pets (so I have been told). That kind of love scares me! But I can't wait to feel it.

Anyone who knows me would never describe me as "emotional." Even as we began this journey, I just knew I would not be like the people I was reading about in blogs and would not get caught up in the "rollercoaster." Nine months into this journey, I realize that I am not quite as stoic as I would have liked to believe. In the last two tries, I find myself feeling hopeless, angry, then hopeful and optimistic, only to return to hopelessness and panic. Sometimes my emotions flip flop from minute to minute, and sometimes from day to day. My current emotional ups and downs are closely tied to my thoughts about how to know when to go from IUI to IVF. I don't count my first five IUIs, because I was not ovulating. I like to think that I started with a clean emotional slate in July when I started with the specialist. He recommends 3-4 IUIs (IUI #3 should be next week) before moving on to IVF. One day I feel like continuing with IUI is the best option and that it will certainly work in the next month or two. The next day I feel like IVF makes the most sense because the success rates are higher and the science is more exact. The thought of seeing one more negative pregnancy test makes my stomach hurt...

I am also not the typical blogging type, if there is such a thing. I prefer to keep everything I feel and think bottled up inside my head. But, I have never gone through something so emotionally charged that lasted such a long period of time. I feel like I can't express much of my sadness, anger, and disappointment over each failed attempt with those that love me. I don't want them to know how upset I am because I know it will make them sad. At this point, the only people that know we are trying are my mom, my step-mom, and a friend of mine (that recently got her BFP after struggling with her husband to conceive for a long time). Some of our friends/family know we are planning to try, but we have not been honest about the fact that we are trying (and failing) as not to disappoint anyone. What probably hurts me most each time AF arrives, is knowing that it will disappoint my mom and stepmom. They want a grandchild so badly and they have so much love to give....  My brothers are younger and not going to be starting a family any time soon, so that means I am their hope. Although I do feel like I can share all of this with JJ, I am not always forthcoming with my pessimism and desperation because I know it would upset her to know that I am upset. So, I continue to pretend to be very optimistic, which makes this journey a little more stressful than it needs to me.  I am thankful for this blog and hope it will serve as my emotional outlet.