Sitting and Stewing

Most days I appreciate the freedom that I have in my career, but this week has not been filled with those appreciative days. I think being in a career like my partner's would force my brain to be so busy thinking about other things that I wouldn't have much time to sit around and over-think everything. These last few days have been an emotional struggle for me. My constant emotional ups and downs have made it difficult to focus on the work that I have in front of me. I began the week looking up positive stories where women had HSG tests and ended up pregnant soon after. There is a rumor out there that these HSGs can "clean out your tubes" and make conception much easier. My doctor even said that I have "doubled (my) chances of conception" immediately after completing the HSG. But today I found more stories about how that isn't always true. I also found stories about women who had used Clomid successfully for a few months and then randomly did not ovulate on Clomid one cycle. I am scared that this will happen to me. On Monday I will go in on cd12 for my ultrasound. I have had mature follicles on cd12 and triggered then the last two cycles, so I expect the same thing to happen next week. I feel like each month is filled with one week of hope (CD3-12), 2 weeks of excitement and fear (2 week wait), then 2-3 days of sadness and despair (CD1-3). I think mentally I need to be sure I have that 2 weeks of excitement and fear to balance out the other days. If I don't have that this month I am afraid I will go crazy. After each disappointment I have felt a strong urge to move towards IVF.